Hallucination
by Musings of a Shaken Mind
Summary: -Rewritten as a companion piece to my drabbles- "When life hands you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end." EPOV.
1. Prologue

**THIS IS BEING RE-WRITTEN AS A COMPANION PIECE TO 'DRABBLES FOR BELLA'. The chapters will be posted on appropriate days, to combine with the drabbles. These have been improved, though it is, I suppose, the same concept.  
**

**Just some random idea that I had-- what if Bella and Edward were connected so entirely that she felt his pain, and he hers? What if their situations were so similar that they were unconsciously linked? This is me, exploring that. The whole thing will be EPOV. It may be a good idea to keep a copy of New Moon nearby, for reference. This may be a bit obscure...

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**H A L L U C I N A T I O N  
A _Twilight_ FanFiction  
By Musings of a Shaken Mind**

**Prologue

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My mind had been silent for so long. Why now, of all times, had it chosen to produce these mind-boggling hallucinations? What exactly had I done to deserve this torture?

I knew the answer to that.

But, as I watched Bella risking her life again and again, I could not help but think that this was my fault. Even if it was only my imagination…

_When life hands you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end. _

But I had never really been described as, 'reasonable'.


	2. Waking Up, 16th Jan

**Being re-written as a companion piece to my Drabbles. They will be posted on the appropriate days, in keeping with the book. :)**

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**H A L L U C I N A T I O N  
A _Twilight_ FanFiction  
By Musings of a Shaken Mind  
**

**Chapter 1

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It was the middle of January, and it was freezing. Mind you, even if it were mid-June here, it'd be freezing. The Arctic Circle is never really _not _freezing. It's desolate, too. There's no-one here, not for miles around. No-one in their right mind would ever come to this barren place. It's frigidly cold, but there's a strange beauty. Almost ethereal; the way the weak sunlight reflects off of the snow in a way that makes it seem like a hundred million diamonds buried just under the surface.

I know what it reminds me of, too. It's cold, and white. It sparkles in the sunlight. It's deadly. It's just like me.

Sometimes, it seems like I'm going insane. Like I can't find the grasp on reality that I crave. But I've known for a while that I'm not exactly in my right mind. I accepted it a while ago. I had to.

Not that the cold ever really bothered me, being a vampire, and approximately the same temperature as the air anyway. I was dead, and should just have stayed such. I did not belong here. Not even in this place; so hostile for humans, so perfect for Vampires.

I'd been wallowing in my latest bout of misery, and though the dull ache in my chest never left, it was a little better now. The key was to remember that it was for her safety. This pain, this suffering… it was all for her own good.

No, the pain was not better. Just more tolerable. And as a vampire, I had a high threshold for pain, as did all of my kind. And by tolerable, I meant, 'I can live with it'. Or not, as the case may be.

This place was silent, too—that was partly why it was so appealing. No thoughts. No incessant human chatter. No annoyingly human women thinking obscene thoughts. Just the vague, primal images that ran through a few polar bears' minds. Nothing that could be understood by humans, really.

It was peaceful. For the first time in what seemed like forever (though, what was a few months, to an immortal?), I felt calm. And by calm, I meant 'not suicidal'.

So it caught me completely by surprise when her voice, perfect in clarity, sounded in my warped mind. Was it my mind? My gaze flickered around the white, flat landscape. Even with my eyes, I could see nothing. Nothing suspicious, anyway. And certainly not Bella.

"_Go eat."_

Why, then, could I hear her voice, in perfect clarity, the way I had wanted to hear her thoughts since the day we'd met?

I checked behind me again, but there was no-one. Not that I had expected there to be, not really. I'd allowed myself to hope, _again. _Somehow, that fact did not unduly worry me. But if Bella was in danger…

A scene flashed through my mind, a darkened street, four men, Jessica Stanley. And…and…and _her. _

Too similar. The scene was too similar. This could not be real; it had to be my mind. And, keeping that in mind, I decided to humour myself. What harm could it do? How could it possibly hurt more than this? How could it get any worse? There was no-one here to witness my madness, my insanity. Alice might see it, but I imagined that she'd had a few strange visions since September 16th.

"_I'll catch up in a minute."_

Bella turned back to the men, and they watched her… and I heard their thoughts, as if I was truly there, instead of here, in this wasteland. It was crazy, but it was beautiful.

My thoughts were broken, however, by the sudden realisation that Bella seemed to be putting herself deliberately in harm's way. What was she doing? The euphoria I had experienced since seeing her began to fade.

"Bella, stop this right now."

Was I insane? That could only be better. It was lucky that I was alone; I was conscious of the way my voice echoed across the deserted plain.

And she froze. I could see her, in my mind's eye. Could she hear me? I hoped that that was the case. I prayed it was. My imaginary Bella. My lovely, wonderful, and apparently suicidal imaginary Bella.

"Go back to Jessica." Their thoughts angered me. It was all I could do to keep myself from snarling outright. "You promised—nothing stupid." She would not break her promise—she could not.

My heart broke again as I saw the indecision cross her face. But her safety was imperative. I'd do anything to keep her safe. Hadn't I proved that?

"Keep your promise…"

That would have to do. I could feel the strange connection breaking up, like a bad phone line. I was losing her. And that killed me inside.

My hallucinatory Bella took another step forward, and a habitual growl began to build in my chest. What was she doing?!

"Bella, turn around."

One of the men spoke, and I snarled, a knee-jerk reaction. _Stay away from her. Stay away, or I'll kill you. I will hunt you down, and then I will tear you apart. Limb from limb. And I will take great pleasure in doing so, human._

But she was closer now; I could see his face. I realised now that I'd been twisting his thoughts, taking things that weren't there. I'd overreacted, as usual. Though really, my reactions were never too over-the-top with Bella. She needed someone to worry about her, sometimes.

But this was not the man who had tried to hurt her, nearly a year before. These were probably innocents. Four men who happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Sort of like Bella had been on that dreadful night. The night I'd finally revealed my secret to her; finally entrusted her to what I had never been able to tell anyone else. But I had no business in her life, any more. I had to mind my own business… I owed her that much, really. I had to stay away. I forced myself away from the hallucination, shocked at myself, and gasping for breath that I did not need.

This had to stop. It couldn't be healthy… but I found that I didn't care. And I couldn't stop myself. She always had been my drug. _My own personal brand of heroin._

I'd just never realised how entirely addicted to her I was.

I had to leave this place. It was messing with my mind.

With one last, furtive sweep of the empty landscape, I took off—running at top speed. Travelling anywhere but here.


	3. Motorcycle, 27th Jan

**I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. It's late. I'm sorry. I really am. Really. Honestly.  
**

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**H A L L U C I N A T I O N  
A Twilight FanFiction  
By Becky Scarlett-Cullen**

**Chapter 2

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It was a few weeks before it happened again. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I'd stopped it. I was far, now, from the glistening white plains of the Arctic. I didn't know why it was so long, maybe I was working to Bella's agenda. Maybe hallucinatory-Bella had entire control over what she tortured me with.

Whatever the reason, it was the end of January. The 25th, I think. I had travelled back to the UK. It was cold and overcast enough to suit me, but warm enough that animals actually chose to live there, as opposed to the bears in the arctic that were more to Emmett's taste than mine. But the Highlands were one of my favourite places to hunt; plenty of wild animals.

I was hunting when it occurred, luckily. I'd travelled far from the place I was staying, Edinburgh, to hunt. I was in the middle of a glaciated valley, surrounded by heather and bracken. On either side, the mountains rose up to almost-vertical cliff faces. This place was spectacular. But it was completely wiped from my mind, when I saw her.

It was an image of Bella. She was astride a bike. A _motorbike!? _What the hell did she think she was doing?! What about her promise to me?

I had to keep reminding myself that this was my imagination; it was so incredibly realistic. But perhaps, I didn't mind this torture, if it meant I got to see my Bella again…

That Jacob kid kicked the bike into gear, and stepped back.

"_You want me to let go of the grenade?" _I bit back a smile at that. It was so… so Bella. Just like her. But she sounded terrified… If I hadn't known better, I could have sworn that this was the real thing… the real Bella. This would be just like her. The nerves, at least. I had no idea where this sudden, suicidal preference for vehicles with two wheels had come from. My imagination, I supposed.

"_That's how you move, Bella. Just do it little by little."_

I couldn't believe that stupid kid was letting her do this! Encouraging her, even. Didn't he realise how incredibly precious her life was?! Was he that selfish?

She began to loosen her grip, and I became angry. What, was she suicidal!?

"This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella."

She heard me now, and my voice caused her to lose her grip entirely, throwing her to the ground. I cried out, but apparently my voice was not audible to her, any more. Was it completely random, then? Could I only break through at certain moments? It certainly seemed like it.

"_Bella? Are you alright?"_

I did not like Jacob Black's thoughts. Like during the previous, similar occurrence, I could read his thoughts as if I were there. The only mind which remained unreachable was Bella's. The boy's sickened me; no-one should think about Bella that way. He loved her, I realised. But wasn't this what I wanted? Didn't I _want _her to move on?

The easy answer was no. I was selfish enough for that. I wanted her for myself. I probably always would. I would always be cripplingly jealous of anyone that she chose.

It was a while before she tried again, but try again she did.

"_Easy on the clutch," _he warned her.

That should have been me. It should have been me helping her, running along beside her. I wouldn't have denied her this, if it had been what she'd wanted. She would never have been in any danger, because I wouldn't allow that, but I'd humour her, by all means. If it was adrenaline that she wanted, I would have given it to her. But this? This was dangerous and reckless and downright stupid...

"Do you _want_ to kill yourself, then? Is that what this is about?"

The thought made me choke. What had I done? What had I done to her? But I could not think about that. Not just now, anyway. I had to save her life, first.

"Go home to Charlie."

"_Ease off slowly."_

He was going to get her killed. And when he did, I'd kill him. With no mercy. He'd be torn apart. And then I would kill myself.

But, no… this wasn't even real! What was I thinking!? It just seemed so implausible… So impossible… So unlike Bella.

And yet… the realism of my imagination was hard to deny.

"_I will."_

I wasn't sure who she was talking to; maybe it was both of us. But her answer wasn't good enough. I couldn't help myself. My animalistic tendencies took over, and I felt the familiar rumble in my chest, competing with the roar of her Honda's engine.

She released the clutch, and then she was moving at terrific speed, almost as fast as I moved when running. This could not be happening; if I had been able to sleep, this would have been my worst nightmare.

But I knew enough about motorbikes to know that this was all going horribly wrong. She was going too fast, and she hadn't turned like she should have by now.

"No, Bella! Watch what you're doing!"

That seemed to bring her to her senses, suddenly. I heard her muttering, "_Brakes, brakes…"_

But that wouldn't do her any good, not now.

I saw her crash like it was in slow motion. Had I physically been there, in this dream world of mine, I'd have been able to stop her. But as it was, I was stuck as a spectator. Imprisoned by my own twisted mind.

I snarled, as loud as the engine, kicking myself. I scowled, wishing that I was there. I was struggling now, running as fast as I could. But, as I reached the coastline, I stopped. Where were these coming from? These hallucinations, that seemed so real?

I feel to my knees, my head in my hands. If I'd been human, I might have been sobbing with the agony of it all, but I was far from human, as I was constantly reminded.

With a great effort, I wrenched myself back into the present. I clearly could not do this; it was damaging, tearing me apart more.

It took me a moment to remember why I was doing this in the first place. I was so tempted to return to her. Maybe I could swim the Atlantic. It was feasible, after all. I would never grow tired, or need to breathe. I could never get cold, and with my speed, I'd be there long before I'd need to hunt again.

But staying away was imperative. Despite the downright stupidity of these Alice-like visions, that was all they were… visions. They weren't real, no matter how realistic they seemed.

Was there no escape from this dangerous trap?


	4. Meadow, 28th Feb

**H A L L U C I N A T I O N  
A Twilight FanFiction  
By Musings of a Shaken Mind  
**

**Chapter 3

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She was in the meadow.

Well, this was a new development. I hadn't expected her to be here. I realised now what all of the extended treks into the forest were for. She was trying to find our meadow. My heart twisted in agony… I should have been there with her. It was _our _meadow, and this could only hurt her more.

Heaven knows, it was hurting me to even see her there, so alone. Without company. Even Jacob Black being there might have been better than her being alone. Okay, so… maybe not. I wasn't _that _fond of the dog.

And then, I heard his thoughts. I saw his red eyes; I felt the burn of Bella's scent in his mind. Not half as powerful as when I felt it, mind, but it was still there. He was approaching, and fast. Hunting. I could only pray that he'd snap out of the blood lust before he reached her. But then, he seemed to pause, if only for a millisecond… he took inventory of her scent, and then he stopped dead.

He recognised her.

I could hear the glee in his thoughts as he remembered his first encounter with her. But it was marred by something else… fear?

Perhaps he thought that we would be there with her.

How wrong he was.

No, she was entirely alone. The thought still hurt me, even as I desperately tried to convince myself that this was, in fact, a product of my imagination, and not the real Bella. The real Bella would never be stupid enough to pull any of the crazy stunts she'd been pulling in the last few weeks. The real Bella had common sense, unlike her foolhardy, adrenaline-junkie counterpart. Laurent stepped into the meadow, his extreme vision finding her crumpled form in a fraction of a second. He watched as she stood up slowly, studied her face as her expression flickered across an array of emotions. He found that fascinating about humans, the way they so obviously displayed what they were feeling.

I felt a crippling urge to rip the vampire's throat out.

_"Laurent!"_

Why did she sound so eager? Had she not noticed his crimson eyes, focussed on her, hazy with the madness that overcomes us when we hunt? Could she not see the danger?

_"Bella?"_

He was astonished, and I chuckled aloud at that. It wasn't like my real Bella was in any danger… I just had to keep reminding myself of that fact.

_"You remember."_

She sounded so relieved. Maybe it was because she finally had confirmation that she hadn't made the whole relationship up, that Vampires really did exist. Maybe it was just that one of our kind had actually deemed to appear to her.

My heart broke for her. Again.

His lips curled back over his teeth, in what might have been perceived as a smile. But I knew better. It was a hunting snarl; he would kill her.

"_I didn't expect to see you here," _he sounded a little bemused, wondering where we were. The Cullens. We'd been so adamant on protecting her last time, why were we not here, this time?

Bella, being Bella, stayed entirely calm. Only she could keep her head, when faced with a ruthless killing machine such as Laurent. _"Isn't it the other way around? I do live here. I thought you'd gone to Alaska."_

He moved forward, and my snarl became audible. Honestly, it was lucky that I was completely alone, in the Australian outback. These visions seemed to have extraordinarily appropriate timing. Convenient? Of course. My mind was throwing these up to torture me, but it was not so stupid as to show them to me in a public place.

"_You're right. I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn't expect… When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they'd moved on."_

"_Oh."_

Laurent noticed the pain in her voice, and I did too. It shook my resolve to the core, that simple word. She spoke again, clearly trying to compose herself, to contain the hysteria brought on by our very name.

"_They did move on."_

"_Hmm… I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you a sort of pet of theirs?"_

"_Something like that."_

I wanted to shout, to deny it. She had never been a pet. But this faulty connection between us was flickering, and my voice did not reach her at all. I was torn. I wanted to tell her to run, to hide, but... what good would that do? It would only enrage Laurent further. And he would kill her.

"_Hmm," _he intoned. I could read his thoughts, and I didn't like the way they were going.

And then, finally, she noticed his red eyes. How could she not have seen them before? They were a warning sign to humans. Stay away. Stay away, Bella.

"_Do they visit often?" _he asked. What he really meant, was, _Are they close enough to stop me from killing you?_

I growled louder now, the rumble in my chest building. If this were real, I'd have killed Laurent by now. But it wasn't real. It couldn't be real.

"Lie, Bella. Lie to him. Tell him we come here all the time, tell him we live in Seattle. You've come here for a visit. Edward's not far away. Lie."

Only one word slipped through, but she caught it. My hallucinatory Bella started at the sound, and then tried to compose herself. Laurent did not miss that.

"_Now and again. The time seems longer to me, I imagine. You know how they get distracted…"_

Laurent wasn't buying it; I could read that in his mind. He watched her with increasing incredulity. _"Hmm… the house smelled like it had been empty for a while."_

If only he knew. Why, oh why had we ever left?

"He's not buying it. You must lie better than that, Bella."

Again, only half of my words slipped through. I wondered why that was, and why I had no control over what went and what did not.

"_I'll have to mention to Carlisle that you stopped by. He'll be sorry he missed your visit. But I probably shouldn't mention it to… Edward, I suppose, he has such a temper… well, I'm sure you remember. He's still touchy about the whole James thing."_

Why had I fallen in love with a bad actress? The pain of saying my name did not help, of course. Her suffering was tangible in the air. I wanted to run to her, to encase her in my arms, but I found that I was frozen. I could not move, not even to save her life.

"_Is he really?" _Laurent was just being polite now, working out how best to kill her. He'd guessed that we'd abandoned her. He knew, now, that she was fair game.

"_Mm-hmm." _We both heard the hysteria in her voice, despite the mumbled answer. Laurent bit back a victorious smile.

Bella tried again to distract him. _"So how are things working out in Denali? Carlisle said you were staying with Tanya?"_

Her attempt was futile. Laurent would not be swayed now, not unless one of my family actually appeared beside them. And all of us knew that that was not going to happen any time soon.

"_I like Tanya very much, and her sister Irina even more… I've never stayed in one place for so long before, and I enjoy the advantages, the novelty of it. But, the restrictions are difficult… I'm surprised that any of them can keep it up for so long."_

He was just humouring her now, and bringing the conversation back around to the topic he wanted to discuss in one fell swoop. He knew how to play his cards. He winked at her secretively, _"Sometimes I cheat."_

"_Oh… Jasper has problems with that, too."_

She tried, unsuccessfully, to move away, and he caught the movement. He grew tired of her now, I could see that.

"Don't move, Bella. Please don't move. He'll kill you." But again, only two words reached her. I snarled in frustration, in helpless frustration. This was wrong; I was becoming far too involved with these hallucinations. But I could not remove myself from the vision, hard as I tried.

"_Really? Is that why they left?"_

"_No. Jasper is more careful at home."_

Honesty was better; at least, it sounded more convincing.

"_Yes," _Laurent told her, _"I am, too."_

He stepped forward again, and I snarled, low in my chest, struggling against the invisible bonds that seemed to hold me in place.

"_Did Victoria ever find you?" _Bella had given up on all pretenses now, preferring to stick to some vestige of the truth.

"_Yes. I actually came here as a favour to her. She won't be happy about this."_

"_About what?" _Bella seemed curious. Of course. Or maybe, she was just trying to distract him further.

I already knew his answer, of course. It made the snarl inside me louder, far more frantic. Turned it into a feral growl.

"_About me killing you."_

She took an unconscious step back at his words. She could hear me, now, I was sure of it. She could hear my anger.

"_She wanted to save that part for herself. She's sort of… put out with you, Bella."_

"_Me?"_

"_I know, it seems a little backward to me, too. But James was her mate, and your Edward killed him."_

No… no, I could not have caused this… surely this was not to be my fault, too… But, of course. How had I not seen this coming? It was I who had introduced her to the world of monsters, in the first place. How could I not be to blame for this? I felt myself sinking further into depression.

"_She thought it more appropriate to kill you than Edward—fair turnabout, mate for mate. She asked me to get the lay of the land for her, so to speak. I didn't imagine you would be so easy to get to. So maybe her plan was flawed—apparently it wouldn't be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected."_

Each of his words was a blow to my immortal body. I had put her in this position. I had compromised her safety,_ again._

But was this even real? I had no way of knowing. Not while I was stuck here, in this desert, as far as possible from the rain of Forks, WA.

Bella didn't speak, so Laurent continued, unperturbed, _"I suppose she'll be angry, all the same."_

"_Then why not wait for her?" _Bella managed. She was terrified, and Laurent knew that. He smiled mischievously.

"_Well, you've caught me at a bad time, Bella. I didn't come to _this_ place on Victoria's mission—I was hunting. I'm quite thirsty, and you do smell…simply mouth-watering."_

"Threaten him, love. Lie." I must have sounded so pained, so full of dread. If he killed her, even this imaginary Bella, it would kill me, too.

"_He'll know it was you. You won't get away with this."_

He smirked again, disbelieving, _"And why not? The scent will wash away with the next rain. No-one will find your body—you'll simply go missing, like so many, many other humans. There's no reason for Edward to think of me, if he cares enough to investigate. This is nothing personal; let me assure you, Bella. Just thirst."_

If that was supposed to reassure wither of us, it did not work. And if I received the news from Alice that Bella was—I could barely even contemplate the idea—dead, then I would know exactly who to blame. He would never get away with this.

"Beg him, love. Anything. Anything that works."

"_Please…" _

She was so obedient, even after all this time. Maybe she knew that I had her best interests at heart.

"_Look at it this way, Bella. You're very lucky I was the one to find you."_

I was intrigued, and even Bella was confused. _"Am I?"_

"_Yes. I'll be very quick. You won't feel a thing, I promise. Oh, I'll lie to Victoria about that later, naturally, just to placate her. But if you knew what she had planned for you, Bella…" _I caught a preview, in his thoughts. It infuriated me. _"…I swear, you'd be thanking me for this."_

She looked horrified, like a deer caught in headlights.

"_Mouth-watering…"_ he whispered again, inhaling her sweet scent.

I roared, furious at the word. Laurent would be killed for this… I would destroy him. Him and Victoria…"

_Edward, Edward, Edward. Edward, I love you._

I heard her thoughts, for the first time ever. If I were human, they would have killed me. As it were, they crippled me severely, forcing me to my knees. _Oh, Bella… Bella, Bella… I love you too… I will always love you…_

And then, the scene was gone. Just like that. I was able to move again and, no matter how I tried, I could not re-immerse myself in the hallucination. I was truly masochistic, as I had once said.

And now? Now, she was dead. In my imagination, anyway. I collapsed further, my head hitting the ground as I sobbed brokenly.

She was gone. And so was the vision.


	5. Dive, 17th Mar

***Cough* Erm, oops. Didn't mean to leave it this long. Actually, I haven't really posted very much at all since I finished my drabbles. Sorry about that. I've got exams at the moment, and the play... everything is just a little crazy.  
**

**On a bright note, the incredible Nouni, who translated my drabbles, has offered to translate this story as well. So if there are any French readers out there, this one is getting translated too! Exciting stuff...**

**Incidentally, this story is nearly done. There will be one more chapter, and then the epilogue. I like this chapter a lot actually. So... Enjoy!

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****H A L L U C I N A T I O N  
A Twilight FanFiction  
By Musings of a Shaken Mind**

**Chapter 5

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**

It was weeks later that I heard her for the last time. I hadn't been expecting it, I was sure that the Bella in my mind was already dead. But my subconscious had apparently dragged up another Bella-- and a more suicidal one, this time. Apparently, it wasn't enough that I'd watched the girl I loved die once. I had to be forced through this purgatory hell time and time again.

I saw her, high on a cliff that I did not recognise. La Push, maybe. I'd never been there. I'd only seen pictures.

Her hair was tugged around by the wind, as were her clothes. It was freezing. I could feel the iciness of the wind, despite the temperature of my skin. It felt like I was there with her, just behind her. I wans't sure what she was doing here, exactly. A storm brewed on the horizon, far away for now, but approaching with every second that passed.

My spectacular vision also registered the flame-haired Vampire on the horizon. Unconsciously, I snarled. She was here, waiting. Bella hadn't seen yet, but Victoria's purpose here was to kill Bella.

And then she stepped forward, and I realised her intent. No… no, not now… not after all this time. What had happened, to make her so suicidal, all of a sudden? And, if the rocks and waves and water didn't get her, then the malicious nomad in the ocean would.

"Bella."

She smiled—actually smiled. How could she be happy? She was going to kill herself—and she'd kill me, too. The second her heart stopped beating, I, too, would fail to even exist.

_Yes?_

This was new. She hadn't ever answered me, before. She'd never acknowledged my presence, before. Why would she now? But I was hardly going to complain.

"Don't do this."

I was pleading with her, begging her.

_You wanted me to be human. Well, watch me._

She would twist my words… but didn't she understand my pain?

"Please. For me."

_But you won't stay with me any other way._

If only she knew. If only she knew how much I longed to be with her. "Please."

She rolled up onto the balls of her feet. She was going to do it. She really was going to kill herself. I could not allow that.

"No, Bella!"

She smiled, and then she jumped.

I watched, horrified, from my location in one of the most secluded places in the world, at the top of Mount Everest.

How could she do this to me? Did she not know that this would hurt me, far more than it hurt her? What about Charlie? Surely I had driven her insane, if she now felt the need for her own death! I had led her to this… it was my fault… I would have to deal with the fact that, ultimately, I had been the cause of her death.

She hit the water screaming, and I burrowed my face in my hands, my cries matching hers, reverberating off of the mountains. I struggled to breathe, even though that was ridiculous… I didn't need to breathe.

And then, I was there. In the water. With her. I could see her as clearly as she could see me. We stared at each other, unblinking in the freezing salt water...

The moment passed quickly, and the gravity of our situation hit me. Against all odds, and any of the laws of Science you cared to quote, I was with her. In the sea, beside La Push, in the Pacific Northwest.

"Keep swimming!"

There was nothing between us, now. It was so real. It felt so real. If this was another hallucination, then it was good. Every detail was perfect.

_Where?_

I couldn't reach her. I tried, but I could not. She was giving up. I was struggling to move at all, though the desire to hold her, to touch her face and take her in my arms and never let go was overwhelming.

"Stop that!" I yelled desperately at her, "Don't you dare give up!"

Somehow, she found the strength and the oxygen to obey. But she was losing strength, and quickly.

"Fight! Damn it, Bella, keep fighting!" I couldn't scream loud enough, couldn't exert the will that I needed to break free from whatever it was that bound me. Despite my strength, I couldn't move.

She had to keep fighting, for me. For Charlie. For everyone else who loved her, including my family. I had to make her see reason, for if she were to die, then my own future would be just as bleak. I would die, too. Again.

_Why?_

I sensed her hopelessness, her lack of desire to live, and it broke me.

"No! Bella, no!" I struggled in vain, trying desperately to reach her, to save her.

She seemed happy. Happy that she was going to die. This was my legacy. This was what I had achieved, by leaving her. This was my fault. I would have to survive, for at least as long as the plane journey to Italy, in the knowledge that she was dead because I could not save her.

I deserved all of this.

I heard her last thought. For once, her mind was open, and I could see everything. I could hear her thoughts like they were my own.

In the ninety-odd years I have been among the un-dead, I have never felt a person's thoughts so clearly. Her mind had a crystalline edge. The colours were vibrant and beautiful.

I could hear everything. Every thought she'd ever had. Her infancy, her childhood. The memories seemed insignificant to her. It was only since the previous January that she had even bothered to really remember them. I felt her confusion as she watched me for the first time. I felt the fear as the Edward in her memory turned his black eyes upon her. I felt the aggression and hatred and slight fear when she was nearly raped by the drunken bastards in Port Angeles. I felt her bewilderment when I confirmed what she suspected: I was a Vampire. I could read minds.

I felt the awe and shock when she saw my monstrous skin for the first time in our meadow. And I felt, for the first time, the wonderful intensity of her love for me. It was stronger than I'd ever imagined--at long last, I knew that she would never have stopped loving me. Even if she'd moved on like I wanted, her thoughts would always have strayed back to the golden-eyed boy who she still loved. With that knowledge finally solid in my heart I felt a deep peace, despite the situation.

Then the pain. It was similar to mine—but there was a difference. I knew that she had still loved me. She thought I had grown bored of her. I endured, once more, the agony of our parting. I felt relief and adrenaline when she caught my voice in her mind once more after our parting.

And I finally understood what it would be to die. The relief, on her part. The regret for some things, and the satisfaction for others.

Her last thought was granted to me, at the end of this split-second moment of realisation. It was as clear to me as if she had spoken it aloud. _Goodbye. I love you._

"I love you, Bella. I love you too."

But she couldn't hear me. I was far away, back in the Himalayas, and impossibly soaked to the skin.

And she was gone.


	6. Finale, 19th Mar

**Sorry, I meant to post this a while ago. I just had no inspiration at all, until I listened to this song called "You will make it", by an artist I'd never heard of called Jem. The result of that particular find was this, the big finale of 'Hallucination'. The lyrics in the middle are also from that song.**

**If you want to read this story in French, the link is on my profile. You may thank the lovely Nouni for the translation.  
**

**Speech is from New Moon, and anything you recognise belongs to Ms. Meyer.** **I don't earn anything from this, and I don't own anything but a grasp of the English language, and a very worn copy of each book.**

* * *

**H A L L U C I N A T I O N  
A Twilight FanFiction  
By Musings of a Shaken Mind**

**Epilogue

* * *

**

She was gone. My heart, my soul… my life. She truly was gone. I'd spoken to Rosalie—aloof and apathetic, of course—and she'd confirmed it. The lines were blurring between my hallucinations, and reality. I was having difficulty discerning the two. Could it be possible that every one of the Hallucinations reflected reality, or was my tortured mind feeding me the images I hated the most, only some of which made any sense?

Did Laurent visit Bella? Did she try that stunt on a motorcycle, with the stupid dog? Was she nearly raped once more on the streets of Port Angeles? Did she dive off the cliff because she wanted to die? Or was that an unexpected consequence?

The questions drove my mind insane. The possibilities occupied my mind just enough that I survived the plane journey to Italy. Mostly, I tried not to think of anything. But the pain was overwhelming, and the thoughts of those around me did not exactly help.

_Oh, imagine what he's going through… he looks so sad…_

_Whoa, hot stuff… Maybe he needs cheering up._

_What's he running away from?_

_Maybe I could say something…_

_Jeez! Who died?_

The constant reminders of my pain merely poured salt in the gaping, aching wound that had been my chest since the day I left Forks, WA. I was left gasping for unnecessary breath as I struggled to control the panic and desperation that rose inside me every time I thought about what I'd done, and what I'd lost.

In frustration, I checked the map on the screen before me. We were crossing Spain now, approaching the Italian peninsula. Once we touched down in Florence, my plan was to steal a car and speed the whole way to Volterra. Much as I'd have preferred running, this was the quickest mode of transport, and speed was currently of the essence.

My plan was to simply go to the Volturi and ask for death. If they refused to grant me what I wanted, I'd have to resort to my other plan, which was currently to infuriate the Volturi by any means possible. Hunting within their city boundary was an option, as was physically tearing apart the fountain in the main square with my bare hands. I could throw a car, or… or I could simply emerge into the sunlight. It would be enough to bring their wrath down upon me.

The plan began to form in my mind as we began the final descent over the Mediterranean to Florence. By my calculations, it would take thirty three minutes to reach Aro's city, provided I could find a fast enough car. And then… and then, I'd have my wish. My existence would simply reach its long-overdue end.

In any other circumstances, she probably would have found this whole chain of events rather amusing. It was very… Romeo and Juliet. She'd always loved that play. In fact, she'd been very into the whole concept of star-crossed lovers. How ironic that our story too would, inevitably, end in tragedy.

* * *

_"Last spring when you were... nearly killed... Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but a part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is a human." The mere memory of that near-disastrous trip had me practically shuddering where I lay._

_Bella had looked horrified. "Contingency plans?"_

_I almost scoffed at that. How could she possibly think that I would (or could) ever live without her? "Well, I wasn't going to live without you, but I wasn't sure how to do it-- I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help... so I was thinking that maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."_

_She'd been unnecessarily horrified when I'd reminded her of the Volturi. The expression on her face had nearly been enough to turn me from my carefully well-laid plans. "You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself!"

* * *

_

I felt a little guilty now that I was going against her wishes... but the guilt in no way compared with the pain, and I knew which one I could deal with.

The searing pain that shot through my chest at the thought of her was crippling, and my hand automatically shot to the place from which my heart had been torn, a little too quickly to be plausible. I felt the slight shock from the professional-looking man sat next to me, and he hastily averted his eyes, trying to convince himself that it had merely been a trick of the light.

When we touched down in the airport, I was the first off of the plane. I had nothing with me, no luggage, so I moved quickly through the terminal, careful to keep my speed in check. I was thankful that the walkway to the car park was bathed completely in the shadow of several enormous trees, or I might have been in trouble. Despite the early hour, the sun was warming up, and in a few hours, I'd have been trapped in the busy airport.

Glancing around the expensive car park, I was practically spoiled for choice. My family would have enjoyed this place, filled as it was with extortionately-priced cars. I settled on a red Ferrari F430 parked nearby, and made quick work of the locks, slipping into the luxurious interior of the super car. It took mere seconds to hot wire the thing, and rev the engine, pulling out of the parking space. This car did 198 mph at a stretch. I'd be there even quicker than I had hoped.

As I raced along the winding roads, through the Italian countryside, I finally allowed myself to remember her properly. My vampire mind could recall every painful memory with echoing clarity, as if they had happened just a few days ago. I could remember everything she'd ever said, everything I'd ever told her, everything I'd ever thought about her with perfect ease. This spectacular memory was both a blessing and a curse. True, I could remember everything about her, but that also meant that I had no way of blocking out the most recent, heart-wrenching moments in the woods with perfect lucidity.

* * *

"_Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

_I couldn't meet her perceptive brown eyes, afraid that she'd spot the lie and call my bluff. Also, I knew that if I met her eyes now, my resolve would melt, and she'd be thrown back into the perils of my world. My world was not for her, much as the selfish part of me wished that it was._

_There was a silence that seemed to stretch on forever._

_Then, "You…don't…want…me?"_

_Oh, god. How could I do this? How could she think that, after every single one of the times I'd told her that I was in deeply and irrevocably in love with her? How could I lie to her like this? If I had not known it before, then this would have confirmed it beyond all doubt. I was a monster, in every sense,_

"_No."_

_The blatant lie was painfully obvious to me. Inside, I was begging her to see the truth, though I knew that that would not help anyone, and it would not change our circumstances._

"_Well, that changes things." To anyone but me, Bella would have sounded calm and relatively unconcerned, but I knew. I could practically hear her heart break, at exactly the moment that my own dead heart broke, too.

* * *

_

Gasping, I wrenched myself from my day-dream as an angry Lamborghini driver overtook me, his expensive horn honking. I realised suddenly that I was nearing the city of Volterra, my final destination. In moments, it seemed, my Ferrari was climbing the hill approaching Volterra.

It was early, but cars surrounded me as I neared the city. Judging from the eager minds around me, there was some kind of celebration in Volterra today. After several seconds of cerebral probing, I discovered that today was St. Marcus' day, a holiday in this city. The irony was not lost on me.

I parked on a main street, just off of the main square, near where I knew the Volturi's domain to be. Skirting the large areas of sunlight, I approached the huge castle-like structure in the North corner of the square, entering through the ornate reception, though I took none of it in.

Carlisle had once told me how to enter the heart of the Tower easily. I followed his instructions now as I made my way along deserted corridors and through locked doors. In no time at all, I was at the door of the large central room, the core of the Volturi's way of life. I did not bother to knock, opening the door.

The sight was spectacular. My peripheral vision took in the huge room, with the stunning stone architecture and ornamental windows. The rational part of my mind, however, was very much aware of the fact that this was the room in which many innocent lives had been stolen. For the most part, though, I was focussed on the three static figures at the other end of the room.

I recognised them immediately, both from the painting in Carlisle's study, and Carlisle's own memory. Aro, Caius and Marcus of the Volturi. They stood, imposing in their silence for a moment, before the one in the middle, Aro, spoke.

"Let me guess… Can I guess? Do you mind? Golden eyes… you're a Cullen. One of Carlisle's sons. Oh! What a pleasure this is, dear boy!"

Despite the warm familiarity of his tone, Aro's mind was cold and calculating. He was already running through the possible reasons for my visit. Almost imperceptibly, his hand reached out to brush against the hand of the man on his left, Marcus. It took perhaps a sixteenth of a second for me to assess the situation. Marcus saw relationships. Aro could read Marcus' mind when their skin made contact. Marcus saw the aura surrounding me as pitch black or, translated, as utterly alone and without love of any kind.

Aro's eyes widened ever so slightly, and his mind quickly began to out together the pieces. Slowly he, with his brothers beside him, approached me. Aro extended a hand, and I hesitated for a second, before taking it. I saw in Aro's mind as he read a century's worth of thoughts in a moment. Understanding flickered across his ancient face; he knew what I was here for.

"You are Edward. The mind-reader? Oh, it is a pleasure indeed! I have wanted to meet you for a very long time. But enough of formalities! You have a request for us, if I am not much mistaken… and such an unusual request, too…"

His black eyes were piercing as they examined me. I'd never felt so vulnerable, with every one of my thoughts and emotions displayed for this creature to see.

"I want to die."

My words were quiet, barely above a whisper, but every vampire in the room caught them. Caius looked slightly shocked, though Marcus' face remained indifferent.

"And why, pray tell, do you wish such a thing?"

I could have snarled at Aro. He knew anyway, he knew everything about me. And yet here he was, forcing me to relay my memories once more for the benefit of everyone else in the room. He and I both knew that he wouldn't particularly care what Marcus and Caius thought, anyway.

"I fell in love with a human. And then I left her, in an attempt to keep her safe. Days turned to weeks, and weeks to months. I have no wish to tell you our story, but I was recently informed of the fact that she has died. I simply have no desire to continue existing without her."

The pain in my voice was palpable, but somehow I kept speaking, even as Caius's expression became disbelieving, then mocking, then satisfied. In his mind, I knew that he was quite willing to have his guards kill me, amused as he was by the situation.

"And are you sure that this human girl is definitely dead? Did you see her die?"

"No, but I heard it from my sister Rosalie, who was told by my other sister, Alice. Alice is not wrong."

*~*

_Hear the news and the floods begin_

_Scream so loud, but only felt within_

_Heart is shattered, the pieces can't be found_

*~*

"Hmm. Well, we will consider your request, of course, but first we have a request of our own." I read it in Aro's mind before he could say it aloud, and my answer was instantaneous.

"No. I am sorry, Aro, but I do not wish to join you. I just wish to die, that is all."

"You would decline our request?" Caius spoke for the first time, his voice seething and his thoughts much the same. "Why, then, should we not deny yours?"

"It is all I want."

"So I see." Aro spoke before Caius could answer. "Much as I wish to grant your request, Edward, I am afraid it is impossible. You know, of course, that I am even yet a friend of your father's. To grant your wish would cause him unprecedented pain, I am sure… so our answer will be no. It is for your own good, boy. You will come to realise that the girl is worth little in comparison with our immortal life. Reconsider our request, I beg you."

I stepped away, not giving him the chance to read my mind again. My mind was set. If the Volturi would not willingly bring their wrath down upon me, I'd do it myself. I nodded once. "Very well."

Excusing myself, I left the cold tower, leaving through another exit, this one leading directly to a narrow alley almost directly underneath the clock tower beside the large square. Glancing up at the clock face, he saw that the time read eleven-fifty in the morning. I would wait until noon, for the full effect. The decision was made. These would be my last ten minutes on the earth, and I planned to spend them with Bella.

I was trying my hardest, now, to immerse myself into one of my masochistic Hallucinations. Bella was dead, but she lived on in my memory. Slowly, I felt myself transported to another time, another place. I did not dare open my eyes, but simply imagined. I imagined that she would come racing across the packed square, tripping and screaming my name, trying to stop me from committing my only suicide option. I imagined her taking a short-cut through the large fountain, trying to reach me before I did something irreversible. I imagined her screaming my name desperately.

Slowly, I let my plain white shirt drop to my feet. I needed to have a lot of my skin exposed, to cause the effect I wanted.

The hallucination came once more, and I felt my expression relax as I heard the clock above me start to chime the hour. As if from a dream, or underwater, I heard her voice again.

"_Edward!"_

I answered her aloud, knowing that appearing insane would mean nothing in a few short moments. "Hello, Bella."

"_Edward, No!" _She seemed closer, now, as if she was moving at a relatively fast human pace, heading directly for me. I did not answer this time; she didn't seem to be listening.

The bell chimed for the penultimate time. _"No! Edward, look at me!" _I could not help the slow smile that spread across my face as I heard her again. Her voice would be my last though. Just like I wanted. I raised a foot, ready to step out into the sunlight…

And then something small and very light came barreling into me at such a pace that, had I been human, I'd have been knocked off of my feet. Instinctively, my arms wrapped around the familiar form, stopping her from falling. Slowly, I opened my eyes.

My suspicions were correct. It was her, she was here. In Volterra.

The only explanation was that, miraculously, Carlisle had been right, and I was in possession of a soul, and now I could spend eternity with her. Impulsively, I reached up to brush a stray strand of hair from her face. The only thing that puzzled me was how Heaven looked oddly like a cramped alley next to the square in Volterra.

"Amazing. Carlisle was right." And it was amazing. It was an honour, a privilege, to be able to call him my father. He had done so much for me. Every member of my family had cared so much for me, right until the end. Grateful as I was to them, though, I could not bring myself to regret coming here I breathed in her sweet scent, and finally realised that this could be hell, for all I cared. As long as she was here with me, it would be Heaven.

"Edward… you've got to get back to the shadows. You have to move!"

I couldn't understand her urgency. We had together forever. What did it matter if I stood in the sunlight? I owed the Volturi everything. Not only had the fulfilled my request, but they had done it spectacularly quickly. I was impressed.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing—they're very good." I closed my eyes again, burying my face in her hair, loving the scent that had once made me want to kill her. "_'Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath no power yet upon thy beauty.' _ You smell just the same as always," I noted, "So maybe this is hell. I don't care. I'll take it."

"I'm not dead, and neither are you!" she exclaimed, seeming very worked up. As I gazed down at her perfect face, I wanted nothing more than to press my lips to hers and tell her I loved her… but something told me that that would not be a particularly wise idea. "Please Edward, we have to move! They can't be far away!"

I was confused. Who was she talking about? Had someone threatened her? If they had, I would kill them…

"What was that?"

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi—"

As soon as she said the name, it finally clicked. I was not dead, and neither was Bella. We were very much alive, by some miracle, and suddenly in imminent danger…

* * *

Much later, after we had escaped the Volturi, as we lay across her bed talking, and I held her close, and she admitted to hearing voices, I was gobsmacked.

Apparently I had saved her life on several occasions. As she had saved mine, so many other times.

But that didn't matter, now. I'd never leave her again. Never—And I had eternity to convince her of that fact.

This life had never been so promising.

* * *

**Hmm, I kinda hope I got Aro right. I've never really tried to write him before, despite the fact that he's one of my favourite characters. Also, I'm not particularly happy with the ending, but it had to end somewhere. Hope you enjoyed!**

**Review?**

**Becky xx**


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